Step-Grandparents

Dear Plain Sense: My son, who is divorced with young children, plans to marry a woman who also has children. My wife and I are troubled by some issues that are evolving, even before this marriage. We don’t yet feel like a “grandparent” to these other children. We like them and their mother very much, but do not feel the same closeness as with our biological grandchildren. How do we get time with our biological grandchildren without offending the others? Do we have to include everyone in all events? We have already lost some of the special times we always enjoyed with our grandchildren because now the other children and their mother are included. Are we being ridiculous? “Worried Grandparents”

Dear “Worried Grandparents”: Your questions are not at all ridiculous, and are most likely shared to some extent by everyone involved, including your son, his fiancée, her children, and your grandchildren. Newly formed families have many adjustments to make, and newly married parents often overlook the role of the grandparents who are involved. It is difficult to have new people join a preexisting group, and caring relationships take time to develop.

Your questions suggest feelings of confusion and anxiety that are common when families merge or “blend”. It’s important to talk about these issues openly with your son so there are not hurt feelings now, or as time goes by. Wanting time with your biological grandchildren is a reasonable request, and does not always need to include step-grandchildren. But it will be important to balance this by planning some time with just the step-grandchildren in order to develop new caring connections.

Children visiting step-grandparents may also feel awkward about this strange experience. Younger children will be more accepting, while teenagers may be more difficult. Sharing activities together certainly can help these new relationships grow. To help your new grandchildren feel more connected, plan projects or activities such as riding bikes, playing catch, cooking a meal together, playing a game of cards, or become involved by attending school functions, sports events, or other activities that the children take part in.

Becoming an instant step-grandparent can be an unclear and sometimes difficult task. Good communication between all family members, and especially with your son, is vital. All families experience stressful changes, so allow time and patience for these new relationships to grow...and they will.

Contributed by Ann Young, LMLP, Outpatient Youth Services, and Karen Beery, LCPC, Consultation and Education Department, Hays

The views expressed here are those of the individual writer and should not be considered a replacement for seeking professional help.

Mail questions to: PLAIN SENSE, Consultation and Education Department, High Plains Mental Health Center, 208 East 7th, Hays, KS 67601

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